so...
i guess i do care..

no matter how much i try to close my eyes
plug my ears
pretend it isn't happening
and im not there
it doesn't work...
i still feel the slight jealousy and growing pain..


friday was cw's burfdae...
so happy burfdae dear =)))
i half thot he came for her...
the truth only he knows..
how much i wanted to be the one next to him and talking to him and having a nice time...
but...
sigh**

saturday..
taylor's college thing..
ARCHITECTURE!
im 100% up for it..
maybe i don't show my commitment with everything but be sure...
if i want it, i'll get it..
GI,EX after for dinner..
then home and piano...
MAIDEN'S PRAYER..
i just knew i sounded that nice...

sunday..
played that song..
not good enough tho...
tution...
exams in a week...
FFFFFFFFFF !!!!!




then waiting for you baby...

and how your heart just keeps getting wrenched
and you don't know how to stop it
and the only way of feeling better is letting your tears flow
but even so
the pain starts all over again when the tears stop
and your head is splitting with all that you've seen
and all the memories you have
and all that you've been through
you're thinking..
to make you really stop feeling this horrible is just...

i NEED the past.
i NEED the future. but the present.. jst kill me.. *depression,pain,misery,disappointment,betrayal overrules*

TELL ME HOW TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU

One fine day, an old couple around the age of 70, walks into a lawyer's office.
Apparently, they are there to file a divorce.

Lawyer was very puzzled, after having a chat with them, he got their story....
This couple had been quarreling all their 40 over yrs of marriage nothing ever seems to go right.

They hang on because of their children, afraid that it might affect their up-bringing. Now, all their children have already grown up, have their own family, there's nothing else the old couple have to worry about, all they wanted is to lead their own life free from all these years of unhappiness from their marriage, so both agree on a divorce....

Lawyer was having a hard time trying to get the papers done, because he felt that after 40 yrs of marriage at the age of 70, he couldnt understand why the old couple would still want a divorce..

While they were signing the papers, the wife told the husband..
"I really love u, but i really cant carry on anymore, I'm sorry.."
"Its o.k, i understand.." said the husband. Lookin at this, the lawyer suggested a dinner together, just 3 of them,wife thought, why not, since they are still gonna be friends..

At the dining table, there was a silence of awkardness.
The first dish was roasted chicken, immediately, the old man took the drumstick for the old lady.."take this, its your favourite.."

Looking at this, the lawyer thought maybe theres still a chance, but the wife was frowning when she answer.."
This is always the problem, you always think so highly of yourself, never thought about how I feel, dont you know that i hate drumsticks?"

Little did she know that, over the years, the husband have been trying all ways to please her, little did she know that drumsticks was the husband's favourite. Little did he know that she never thought he understand her at all, little did he know that she hates drumsticks even though all he wants is the best for her.

That night, both of them couldnt sleep, toss and turn, toss and turn...after hours, the old man couldnt take it anymore, he knows that he still loves her, and he cant carry on life without her, he wants her back, he wants to tell her, he is sorry, he wanted to tell her "i love you"...

He picks up the phone, starting dialing her number....ringing never stops..he never stop dialing....

On the other side, she was sad, she couldn’t understand how come after all these years, he still doesnt understand her at all, she loves him a lot, but she just cant take it anymore....phone's ringing, she refuses to answer knowing that its him..."whats the point of talking now that its over...i have ask for it and now i wanna keep it this way, if not i will lose face.."she thought...still ringing...she have decided to pull out the cord...

Little did she remember, he have heart problems...

The next day, she received news that he had passed away...she rushed down to his apartment, saw his body, lying on the couch still holding on to the phone...he had a heart attack when he was still trying to get through her phone line....

As sad as she could be...she will have to clear his belongings...when she was looking thru the drawers, she saw this insurance policy, dated from the day they got married, with the beneficiary being her... And together in those file, there was this note...

"To my dearest wife, by the time you're reading this, I'm sure I'm no longer around, I bought this policy for you, though the amount is only $100k, I hope it will be able to help me continue my promise that i have made when we got married, I might not be around anymore, I want this amount of money to continue taking care of you, just like the way I will if I could have live longer. I want you to know I will always be around, by your side... I love you"

Tears flowed like river......

"When you love someone, let them know... You never know what will happen the next minute.... Learn to build a life together.. Learn to love each other. For who they are.. not what they are..."




*taken from the net

im done here. im done. im not taking anymore.. i cant. its painful enough like this. what the hell do you want me to do? so what if its jealousy? at least you should care. what mess i am in now.. at least you could wait it thru with me and stay by me for this while then go back to that girl of yours. is it that hard? is it that hard to think twice for me just once??

u know..
maybe..
i really know what love is..
well i know that when i said that i loved you..
not a single thing about it is fake..
coz if i were lying..
wouldn't i be so done with you now?
wouldn't i not feel this way?
wouldn't i be able to live it thru in laughter?

*PAIN
nothing can describe the pain i feel.
grief, sorrow, anguish, ache, torture, agony, heartache,agony, aching, hurt, ache, sting, soreness, throbbing, stinging, twinge ~ all put together still doesn't even make up a part of it...
it's like repeatedly i have to feel it. no matter how much i look away. how much i close my eyes. its just too much. too much to bear.

im exhausted. i give up. why should i try so hard to carry on? maybe i am strong enough. but my heart can't take it anymore..

u know i do love you and i always will.
but if all you wanna do is just go after another girl all the time and leave me alone all over again, im nothing in your eyes.. then im done..

OCTOBER 22, 2008
not applicable anymore..
a month ago words...
now its different...

hypocrite : someone feigning high principles ; someone pretending to have admirable principles, feelings, morals but behaving in a way that opposes what they say.

*adapted from encarta dictionaries.

and pretty much. i feel that’s who you’ve become. a freaking hypocrite. a big liar. an untrustable person. not to diss you or to judge you, but highly so, you’re going that way.

if the real reason of being “close” to me again (.??) were only to be friends, then i suggest you have a certain level of respect for your friends too. i asked you damn clearly, and did you reply me? maybe you did, but was it honest? or was it pure bullshit? like most times the things you’re said lately.

the atonishment of it all, is that you think im that dumb to not know a thing? please. 2 times i had a feeling who they were. and guess what, was i right? 100 % ,200 % rather. no doubt about it. and im pretty sure this time, im not straining a wee bit from the truth either. coz quoting jq dear =) “the truth never lies”.

god m i pissed with you. u call me a liar? how about you? have some respect for people sometimes. think i get angry much? at least, i manage to cool off myself, in a short period of time. please. what the fuck do you think i am? better, who the fuck do you think i am?

u think u’re so great, but u never count the number of times i gave in to you. so what that i got angry? was it over nothing? but still i gave in first. i let it go your way. count the times dear, count them and tell me.

maybe the hate will come soon. maybe it won’t. but the fury has arrived. the fury, where i want you to try exchanging places with me for once. and go through the shit you give me every fucking day. go through the emotional stress. the physical stress. tried it? have a go. i wonder how you’ll act, honestly. coz now, you’re pretty much just another liar like the other guys. one that can’t be trusted. i thought you had your principles. i thought you had your morals. i thought YOU SAID YOU HAD TO FOLLOW THEM? but what. i used to admire you in several ways possible. but now. please. i have no clue what goes on in that brain of yours anymore. i have no clue where that heart of yours went too.

BETRAYAL.

its back and has given me quite enough bites. i hate you for it. and you should pretty much know it. unless you really have taken away all the good things in you and tucked them in a corner somewhere. or maybe you just don’t have a heart? you just never care how others feel. because. you may not like this, but you always want things to go your way. you think i don’t think how you feel? if i don’t, i would have texted you all those nasty things i had stashed away in my inbox.

you just give it some thought. just reflect for once and not constantly judge. its tiring but worthwhile. i can guarantee you that.

u disgust me so much now. im thinking today is the last day im gonna talk to you. until… god knws when.

THINK. REFLECT. LOOK IN THE MIRROR. WHAT HAVE YOU BECOME?

OCTOBER 21, 2008

just pray that i’ll be annoyed enough with you to let the hate i once possessed against you fire up in me again. and with that, maybe, just maybe i’ll be able to let you go. because like i have always said, it isn’t anywhere possible, and personally i have no doubts that it can’t happen.

today..

well u’re not sitting beside me no more. well since u sorta brought it up. so i guess i was pissed for awhile. ripping things, slamming doors,books,anything, kind of pissed. couldn’t look at you at all for quite awhile. well isn’t all repeating itself again..? kind of staying far away from me..? FREAK FRIKETY FUCK. that’s the feeling..

reminiscing over the memories eats my soul.

i miss you. alot. beyond imaginable. yearning of my heart. well come to think of it, all the time. just that.. u never believe a thing i say. i don’t lie. so u shouldn’t think urself gullible for believing my words. FOREVER. that’s all you need to believe.

is there nothing left for me within you.? is it a risk to take me yours, you mine .? im pretty much all i can be now. this is pretty much who i am. how i am. what i am. there won’t be anymore drastic changes nor gradual ones either. im done with all that. im staying here. this way.

how ‘bout you?

OCTOBER 18, 2008
its a year since the first time i broke up with him...
now..
im a mess all over again..

i know its early but so what??

im in a mess already..

or maybe i have been for quite some time now..

the problem has been bugging me since forever..

same old matter..

the guy,i broke up with him like one and a half month ago..

at that time,that girl had already started to text him..

her excuse was to ask him to do a favour for her..

whtever. that bitch has always been a liar.

then the guy broke up with me partly coz our relationship wasn’t at its best, then maybe coz of that girl too.

i dunno.

wht i knw, when i knw she was aggresively going after him, i totally threw all my feelings for him into the sea. i practically hated him like i loved him. the feeling was overwhelming. finding out how much he changed. and how much he blamed me and said it was me that changed. the heartbreak left me in tears for 24hours straight. i didn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. then when i found out how he responded to her. the rage was just unbearable and almost impossible to control. finding out wht a hypocrite he is. it’s just pure pity that he can’t see it himself.

then..

i had let it all go..

and let them both have their way..

why waste my energy..

then suddenly he texted me again..

well i was hesitant for awhile. but then i did. in a tone that was jst pure me. not holding anything back. just like how i was with everyone else. then he replied and we talked. i asked about her. and he said he didn’t like her at all. now it has been a little over one week since that day. and we are supposedly quite close and he supposedly isn’t close to her anymore.

that girl said sorrie to me but on her friggin blog she blamed me for everything. and she said he was the one to make the first move for everything. mygod. how many faces does she have??

then yesterday, i have no idea what happened to the guy. there just wasn’t any response. to me or his friends. and we assumed he fell asleep. i jst texted him last nite. a long one. i just asked for the truth. because i do wonder. did he actually like her? because if he didn’t he could have said it to her. all his actions let the girl assume that he likes her, which i won’t blame her for. what exactly does he mean now? he wants to pick her over me again? or some one else again?

“in the end,everythings gonna fall back on me. the pain. betrayal. same as before. all falling back on me. u wanna pick her over me again? wht do u want??”

he knws i’ll always love him. i may be with someone else. (but hardly possible) but that spot in my heart will still be there. its for him and no one can fill it. he knws it. he knws that i my feelings wont change for him. i will love him till forever. no matter how much he doesnt wanna believe me. but its true.. FOREVER, and i’ve only ever said it to him.

“for always being the one standing by you,this is what i get isn’t it?? u like her. like her so much. u shudnt have contacted me at all. just hug, kiss and do all the things u’ve done with me, with her. coz once again. u hurt me all over again. or maybe im just the stupid one to have trusted u at all.”

THINK. FEEL. that’s all i can say to u..

OCTOBER 17,2008


this friggin person just wants to make life difficult for everyone doesnt she???

she is this girl who tries her best to catch the attention of every single friggin guy that she passes.

mygod.

i dont even knw where to start.

maybe how she looks?

she has a shit ass face. with her pout she looks even worse. mygod. your eyes will just bleed.her character. far from good. she disses ppl from the back and she blames others for it. she can’t take rejection. she doesn’t accept reality. she forgets to look in the mirror each morning. she is a blabbermouth. her voice makes your ears bleed. she thinks everything has to go her way. she judges without knowing the person. she thinks she is so smart. fucking smarty pants. fucking cheap whore. fucking bitch. fuck. fuck. fuck. just looking at her spoils ur day. she only can ruin other ppl’s life.

there’s so much more to say. but i’ll stop first. i hate her too much. she will spoil my nite too if i continue.

Labels: bitch